I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my daughters these days. Not in these large sweeping grandiose ways about the depth of our relationship or how I came to be their mama, or how incredibly quickly the time has passed. I try not to get hung up on what they are learning from me and what they will carry with them that they learned under my roof and the cosmos that orchestrated it all to come to pass.
Alan Rickman passed away today. I never met him and he certainly had no idea I even existed, but I am devastated by the news. You see, he created an unexpected pathway to my teenage daughter, Taylor. A cherished connection in the budding years of her life where I’m becoming irrelevant and aged to her….
I cherish the moments more and more as the days pass more quickly. I take it in moment by moment, sometimes with earnest that I might miss every detail. Sometimes I have to hold back from begging… begging them, begging this life to just slow down, just a bit… Just long enough for me to gather it all in and let their days (and mine) last a moment longer.
When my girls were learning to walk they would hold my hand for support. Their tiny hands in mine, I would tell them that if they were unsure, scared, or if they needed me, they just needed to “squeeze twice” and I’d know to pay attention. When they started a new school, a new activity, a scary doctor’s appointment, anything, I’d tell them the same, “squeeze twice,” no matter how many people are around and what is going on… because I’d know what they were feeling. It was how they could tell me that they needed me without having to say a word.