This is going to affectionately be termed a vomit writing session. They are frequent on my computer. I’m going to write whatever pops in my head and with no edits just let it fly. Hopefully a full circle moment will be achieved.
So, I’m going to start out with an odd comment that probably won’t make sense… I’m really foggy right now but I also have a great deal of clarity. I don’t know what that means in words, but in my mind I’m all set. That completely sets the tone for the rest of the post I think. Hang with me…
I am kind of a conundrum…. I am extremely organized except for when I’m not. I’m totally a planner except for when I am flying by the seat of my pants. I’m forever creating contingencies and back-ups in my head for when things are not going right about as often as I am just assuming that the things I haven’t accounted for will just “work themselves out.”
(Speaking of vomit, I also want to take a moment to ask Mars Candy to STOP making Peanut Butter M&M’s. Not because they are bad, but because they are delicious and I just ate a whole bag. That’s kinda gross actually, but it was delicious…)
Back to the brain vomit. So, I have spent a lifetime (well, almost 30 years) setting expectations and it’s always been in those instances of pure planning where I’ve been disappointed. It’s been in the unexpected (and I’m counting both my babies here) that I’ve always had the most transcendental experiences and often it’s come from the most random and obscure places. I admittedly just really DIG that.
Where does this leave me? Oh hell I don’t know. And I’m not sure that I care… well, I’m writing about it so it’s obviously in there messing around with something…
I’m a compulsive planner. Yes, those words are probably antonyms if I checked a thesaurus but it’s a pretty good fit for me. I plan but I also trust what my friend Katy calls, “My Spidey Sense.” I can rock an Excel spreadsheet with the best of them and then completely just go with the gut and make a decision with very little information. With either scenario, I seem to feel a great deal of calm and reassurance. In fact, it’s pressure where I tend to really hang with the best of them.
My “spidey sense” is generally right, but maybe it’s not just impulse maybe it’s knowing myself that well and trusting that knowledge. Leaving a corporate world for free-lance writing and marketing for a racing company wasn’t in my life plan that I drafted at age 22… and I drafted one. Oh yes.
I pretty much had it all figured out. I’d already had baby #1 and I was going to finish my Masters, get a promotion, get a house, find the perfect man, get married and ultimately live out my days successful, comfortable, in love, and surrounded by babies and puppies.
Uh… yeah. No.
I find myself oscillating between the things I know I should care about and the things that I actually care about. These things aren’t often congruent nor are they always realistic. It’s just part of what I call my “charm.” It leaves me with a few pretty big, pretty significant questions to answer:
What do you do when you don’t know what you want but you know that you are missing something and it just isn’t showing up?
Is it that I can’t see it or if it just hasn’t arrived yet… or am I just expecting too much?
Am I where I am supposed to be?
If I am where I’m supposed to be, where do I go now?
Yeah, that’s a lot of questions floating around in my head at one time and they don’t keep me up at night, but then again, I haven’t been sleeping that well lately.
So if I put on my compulsive planning pants I’m going to take a crack at my questions:
I’m definitely missing something, but I trust that when it arrives or when I find it I’ll know. It’s just not for me to have right now and chances are I’ll be missing something else when that happens. It just doesn’t all come together at one time. I get it.
I’m always expecting too much. Who isn’t? I’m okay with that so long as I’m okay with what that means. Most days I am.
I am where I’m supposed to be because I’m, well, here.
I go forward. Always forward. Some people say to never look back, well I have to. I can’t help myself and I don’t think that looks should linger, but I do glance back every now and then just to remember where I’ve been…and the knowledge that I don’t have it all figured out gives me something to shoot for I suppose… I like that.
It doesn’t feel complete and I don’t think it should never feel complete. And there’s my full circle.