The Christmas Run

holiday2011Christmas is like a promise that is made to you at the beginning of each year.  Just get to December 25th and magic will happen.  You just have to get there.  But this Christmas left me wanting.  My girls were both gone Christmas Eve night and day… the result of a divided household, I dropped them off and driving home in the darkness I planned a night run for when I got home to take my mind off of their being away.

I laced up my shoes, grabbed a few sips of water and hit the streets.  The singular light ahead of my steps on the ground ahead of me, not even snow to keep me company, my breath foggy.  I ran down the miles passing houses lit up, dodging cars swelling the streets houses clearly packed with family and friends.  As I ran, I felt nothing, I thought of nothing. I just ran.

I wasn’t lonely… being lonely isn’t the same as missing something, someone. Or, in my case, two little someones.  I ran by the glowing houses of my neighborhood silently, feeling almost intrusive on their Christmas Eve festivities.  Cars clogged the streets so a quick change in plans had me take a hard right out of the neighborhood, leaving the houses and hustle and bustle behind me as moved further out into the empty roads west of my house.  Now it was just my light in the darkness and it was perfect.

As I came around the corner to my house, the sight of it took my breath away.  The only dark house on the street, it felt so empty and the weight of the surrounded me and I began to weep.  Kneeling in the grass by the back door, I  was overwhelmed.  Silently sobbing clutching my heart, I let the sorrow escape as it wracked my body from a deep place inside me.  Walking inside, suddenly so tired, I got out my dinner of sushi and a glass of Cabernet and sat alone at the table.  All the while unconsciously listening for the echoes of the girls laughter from earlier in the day. 

My girls and I had our Christmas morning, a day early… and it was joyous, full of laughter, and bright shining faces.  By all accounts I’m blessed and I’m happy.  This post is definitely one that is self-indulgent and full of self pity. I realize that and I’ll own it.  I’ll be posting about my year and how beautiful it’s been, but today… last night, it was not.  It won’t always be, but it was.

This year Christmas felt like that promise made nearly a year before had been broken… and that left me feeling the same. 

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